Something guys will never understand about us girls is just how much is going on inside of us.
For every one thought that they have, we have 20. And for every one feeling, we have about 100!
Discretion is tough when you’re us.
When we want something, we want it with every fiber in our being. And when we don’t want something, we do not want it with every fiber in our being.
All or nothing. Isn’t that us, girls?
Especially when it comes to our men.
We want to be someone’s everything, or we want to know why they’ve wasted our time. Why? Because even though we’re messy and emotional, there’s a much truer thing that lies deep down beneath the surface. Something awesome and wonderful and mysterious inside us, that can only be activated by our man’s love.
We were made to be loved. Well loved, and we know it.
We’ve all heard it said that a girl just glows when she’s in love, and it’s so true! Just knowing that someone treasures us, is there to protect us, those things just stir something in us. We were built for love. Full, intense, unconditional love. It’s what brings us to life!
A woman becomes truly beautiful, radiant and alive only when she knows that she is deeply and passionately loved. And when we finally get to be in that kind of romantic relationship with a guy it’s amazing. It’s life changing. It’s awesome, it’s exhilarating, it’s everything to us! BUT….
After some time, we find that these amazing feelings aren’t as consistent as we thought they’d be. And that he’s not as consistent as we thought he’d be. And what started off very exciting and satisfying has slowly turned into something that feels more like an emotional rollercoaster ride.
Are you on one?
Perhaps you are in (or in and out of) a relationship with a guy, and it’s just gotten very intense. A lot of highs and lows, maybe even break-ups and make-ups.
Or maybe you and this guy broke up a long time ago, but you still can’t seem to let him go. Maybe you’ve even moved on and are seeing another guy, kind of just trying to distract yourself from the guy you can’t get over.
Whatever your situation may be- whoever the guy is, the one that you are just in it over, for simplicity’s sake, let’s code name him #9.
Why #9? Not really sure. But just because we’re all at different stages with our guy, and for the sake of not having to call him:
“your ex boyfriend,”
“that guy,” or
we will just call him #9. Ok? Ok.
So you and #9. Oh boy.
I realize that there is a lot that is very special between the two of you and that there are things abut your relationship that only you and him will ever understand and blah blah blah blah. I get it.
No, but all joking aside, I really do get it.
I get all of the thinking and wondering and obsessing that goes into this guy. I get the desperation and heartache when it feels like your whole world is falling apart and there’s nothing you can do about it. I also get the feeling of wanting to be someone who does the right things and makes the right choices, but maybe feeling like this whole relationship has just taken you too far away from that. I get it.
And as someone who was more up-to-her-ears in this stuff than any one of you reading this, I just need to tell you that there is such hope for you. Such hope for you. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone, how much you’ve compromised everything you believe in, or how much you feel like you’ll never be whole again.
Girlfriend, there is hope for you. Hope of better things than you ever thought you were capable of becoming. You cling to that, and I’ll help you through the steps of making it a reality.
That’s what this book is about.
The Hard Stuff
There are two things that I need to be upfront about because they might be hard for some people to swallow.
The first is that I’m going to talk a lot about God. The pain of my own experience with my #9 was the starting point of my faith and relationship with God, and I truly believe that He is the only reason for all of the wisdom, growth and change that came out of it. So I’m going to talk a lot about prayer, drawing close to God, and things like that.
Now that doesn’t mean I expect you to believe the exact same things I believe, or that this journey is not for you if we don’t see eye to eye on these matters. No matter where you stand or what you believe, you can still get so much out of this journey. Because really the common thread that’s tying us together is the pain of just knowing that we can’t keep doing things the same old way anymore. It’s not working!
Which brings me to the second matter I need to be upfront about, which is that I’m really going to be encouraging you to let go of this guy.
This is not about one-upping him, or playing immature jealousy games. I’m talking about throwing in the towel on those old, dragged-out fights, in order to fight a bigger, more important fight.
The fight for yourself.
To learn to be happy and whole again without that having to come from your relationship. To work at rebuilding yourself in the ways that this relationship (and just life in general) has torn you down. To find clarity, direction and purpose, so that you are THEN ready to start a healthy, amazing relationship with the guy you’re meant to be with.
Now maybe #9 is the guy you’re meant to be with. If that is the case, it will come full circle. It did for me (and you’ll get to hear more about my story soon). But if we’re going to be with anybody, let’s get it right so that it can be good and healthy and incredible, rather than a big ol’ mess.
It’s time to let go.
Now I realize that might sound like about the hardest thing in the world to some of you, but can I just so gently suggest something that maybe you have never thought about? And really try to let this soak in:
Honestly, most of the time, that overpowering draw you have to this guy has way more to do with him meeting your deep inner need to be loved, then it does him actually being this amazing, awesome guy.
It’s the truth.
That is why stepping away for a time is so important. We need to get a clear head about it. We need to see things for what they are rather than just being in the big, intense blur of it all. Even if it is something that God would restore and make whole in the future, you need to be restored and made whole first. That is why I am going to be encouraging you to let go.
So your relationship with #9 started off wonderfully. But at this point you’ve likely begun to experience a lot more inconsistency.
A girl once described to me a sense of feeling like she could never be truly happy because even when things were good in her relationship, she was always wondering what was around the corner. She knew it was only a matter of time before something would happen that would cause that deep pain in her heart that only her boyfriend could inflict.
Because when things are good with our guy, we are on top of the world! But when things are bad, we can hardly function.
Does this sound familiar?
Listen, the bottom line is, it’s messy. And the longer you’ve been in it, chances are the more complicated the relationship has become.
And the sad truth is that we can only handle so much time on this roller coaster ride. So what ends up happening to those of us who insistently hang onto these relationships is that after a while we give up hope; buying into the lie that we are expecting too much; that we are too much. And consequently most women let that fire and that anticipation for their soul to be rightly and wholly loved, die out.
We settle. For so much less than we were made for.
Isn’t that so sad? That most of us actually go through our whole lives never knowing what it’s like to be perfectly treasured and loved by someone. Never really experiencing the thing that our heart was built for. Never becoming fully alive.
Oh Lord help that not be us!
We want so much more for ourselves.
The fact that you are reading this book tells me that. That God has been stirring something in you’re heart that’s been making you long for something more. Something more real. That you still have an innocence and a fight in you to find that place where you are completely and flawlessly loved. That place you were made for!
But getting to that new place requires that we let go of some old things. Because true freedom can only be found when we decide to get serious about cutting the strings that are holding us back from it. And trying to let go of someone we have invested so much of ourselves into is a very difficult and complicated thing.
And that is where I come in.
This 40-day journey is a challenge for you to step out of something old and into something completely new.
To be “detoxed” from your old habits and beliefs concerning relationships and self image, and restored into becoming that whole, unique and beautiful woman you were created to be, and that you know it’s in you to be!
Each day of this journey is going to have: a quote, a song, a message, and a dare. And occasionally there will be a little ‘time out’ blurb.
Time Out: Nowhere in this journey am I actually going to dare you to break up with #9 if you are still together. Our situations are each so unique, and the choice whether or not to end a relationship is one that each of us must make for ourselves. I do, however, have a segment in the back of the book titled “Breaking Up The Classy Way”, if you are looking for some pointers.
This journey will not be easy because nothing worthwhile ever is. Life’s not easy. Being a woman is not easy. But you can do it, well. You can. You have what it takes.
But you need to be willing to recognize a turning point when it’s time for a turning point in your life.
I love the way Lisa Bevere puts it in her book ‘Nurture’. She says:
“We have all lived long enough to see those who began well and ended up really stupid. Who wants that?”1
Not me, and I know not you either, sister. So be willing to recognize it if God’s calling you to a turning point.
Girl, I am here to tackle this thing one day at a time with you. We’ll have a lot of laughs and a lot of tears together. We’ll talk about girl stuff, about being misunderstood, and about the butthead things that guys do. And we’ll really get down to the heart of this thing so that you can get on to becoming the woman you were created you to be.
“Come, eat my food and drink the wine I have mixed. Leave your simply ways behind, and begin to live; learn to use good judgment.” – Proverbs 9:5-6