Ambitious. Goal-setter. Go-getter. These are all words with a very positive connotation in our culture. Our achieving, writing, dreaming, making, entrepreneurial culture. We have our sights set on it; that goal, that dream, that version of ourself that we want to get to. We'll find the right graphics, make the perfect business card and website, make the right connections.
I look online for a Christian life-coach and I find some. Ones who will listen to my plans and dreams and help me to get there. To what I want- not what God wants.
What does God want from me? We get scared away from this because of what we don't want to give up. Push and pace and cell phones and starvation. And women who were meant to be full, child-bearing, well-nourished beauties- push and starve themselves hollow of anything rich and good and true, to chase an elusive skinny, successful shadow. A picture on their new website, and how many likes? We can surround ourselves with meaningless noise and make it feel so right.
What are you chasing? What are you running away from God for? It's not worth it!
For me, it's the comfort of my bed in the morning. It's warm blankets that lull me away because they feel so pure and warm and nice. It's cozy. It's comfortable. It's warmth. These comforts that lure me away from the presence of my savior in the morning and into a sweet, dense fog. They trick me into how I start my day almost every morning. Wishing I had gotten up sooner. Wishing I had spent time with my savior and allowed him to adjust my vision, wake me up, REALLY wake me up and fill me with his Holy Spirit and peace. Help, God.
It's all the difference in the world.
Then in the afternoon when I finally get a chance to have my quiet time, it's this: My dreams and hopes of success.
Am I praying to find Jesus and surrender myself to him? But I really want a blog and a book and a ministry- but I need his blessing, his covering, his unction to fall upon me with the right words to write. I want him, but I want him because I want what he has to offer me. All he can help me to accomplish. His peace, his blessing. And I know this, and I don't feel shame. And in my sin nature I keep coming back for just enough of him. Just enough to get by and keep moving forward. Just enough for my selfish peace of mind. Shame on me. Shame on us. Let us break open at his feet today and get honest about what we've really been wanting. What we've really been aiming for. God help us!