I wanted to have something to write about. Something revolutionary for women. I wanted to stand on a stage and be cute and fun, and have every woman in the audience want to be like me- and then I would blow their minds and lead them to Jesus.
I was heading on about 5 years of seriously struggling with various aspects of my life- fear, happiness, emotional stability. Have you ever been at a point in your life where nothing is monumentally wrong- the kids are healthy, praise God- but just the everyday flux of life, and the relationships that you just want to be awesome in the worst way, they are just not working because there's not peace and stability of the mind? Have you been there? The place where something is just off?
I can't find happiness that sticks. I puddle jump to more moments of discontentment, with bouts of praise and gratefulness and real rest in Jesus in between (thank God). But I keep finding myself... back...here.
Then at some point I realize that all in all something beautiful has formed in the ground of all of this failing, dead soil. A little flower called humility has begun to spring up, and brighten, and deepen in color as my struggle continues.
I find that I understand many of the women I have judged. The women I use to want to grab by the shoulders and tell them to get their life together. The women I thought that my cute outfits and perky preaching from the stage could reach and change.
I understand the depression and depths, because I have swam and struggled down there too. And I've tried to kick myself to the surface only to find my foot stuck in the mud. I've been there and wrestled in the darkness of it all too.
I've had four children and walked into stores with one of them barefoot in the cart because the shoes were left at home. And one has boogers and messy hair, and the other one screams, and I haven't washed my own hair in three days, and I am PRAYING I don't see anyone I know. And this is just life, and I never wanted to be that mom. And I've felt my face flush when I see someone from high school and in my early 30's tell them that we've moved back in with my Dad.
And a thousand other little deaths and surrenders. Oh, you can fight and push and demand your way. Or you can do the surrendering to God. (The over and over surrender on certain things). And watch God till and work that surrendered soil into a rich and fertile little garden bed. And a beautiful, colorful, diverse little garden called humility will grow.
And you better believe that he is still growing mine.