I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has somewhat of a hold on me. And afterall, nobody needs to know I ate ice cream for breakfast. So why did I tell you?
To let you know that you're not alone. You're not alone in KNOWING all the right things to do- but still sabotaging it somehow. You are not alone in wanting to be the Mom who is crushing it- and maybe feeling like you are that Mom at times, but somehow finding yourself back here at other times. You are not alone in swallowing your anger or hurt when some other Mom is talking about her successes, and you feel so far away from yours.
I don't want to flop and fail my way through life. I'm not one of those women who gets her kicks from being able to be completely honest about all of her failures, and connect with other women in the same boat. Crying and patting eachother on the back and making the same mistakes over and over and over, with no progress. That is not my club. In fact, to be honest, sometimes people's lack of change and growth downright annoys me. I want to be like, "Get it together, woman!" And I have judged and thought I know better.
But I know in these moments that the hurt and emptiness and difficulty of life can run SO deep. And sometimes this role as Mom feels like it's dragging you outside by the hair and kicking you over and over while you cry for mercy.
And I know we are all battling. We are battling to know what requires an emotional shift, a spiritual shift, or a physical shift. Even that little skinny thing in your Instagram feed, showing off her ab muscles, she struggles inside of herself. Probably not with eating ice cream for breakfast, but I promise you that she too, at times feels the darkness of a self that she doesn't want to be anymore.
So what do we do? We don't have the time to map it all out and think it all through. And we don't always have the restraint to hold back from taking it out on our husbands because we are not really sure how much of this is his fault. So where do we go with all of this? All of the lack, and hurt and with everything in our life that we want to upgrade?
We go to the only place we can go. The best place. The place wide open for our mistakes.
The feet of Jesus.
Don't be annoyed with this answer. DO IT! Talk to him about everything, today, right now. THAT is your answer. And it's mine too- and you better believe I'm heading there right now!