Note: In a day when so many people abuse authority, this article stirs some controversial relationship topics. Please read the heart.
I am mid getting-this-thing-right. I don't want to even pretend for a second that this is an area where I have arrived. I've not. Just recently, starting a new year and doing a fast of sorts, I am tying to bring this area of my life and marriage to the forefront, and move in the direction God would have me. It's time to start trying to truly be, "to my husband as unto God."
Not that I worship him, blindly heave all of my prayers and desires onto him, and fully surrender my life to him. No- but I submit. I place my abilities and willingness before him as unto the Lord.
This is a hard thing. And very unnatural for a lady like me. I am quite confident in my thoughts, opinions and ability to know what is best- especially when it comes to my children. Many Moms are and this can be a hard rub with husbands.
But again, it's evident in my own life that it's time for change. It's evident in the way that my oldest son shifts toward me and wants Mom to understand all the deep things and probably take up for him because that's what I've done a lot of. I need to be one with my man.
It's evident in the way that I just came upstairs to pray and journal and what is heaviest on my heart is the way that he's downstairs talking to that same son. I'm so angry because I feel that he is dumping all of his own frustrations and insecurities on that child and I hate, hate, hate it. And it makes me want to storm downstairs and throw my finger in his face and say all sorts of mean things. He's bullying him and I'm sure of it.
But instead, I push my face to the floor and say all of the hard, angry things to God. I tell him how it's killing me. I tell him my deepest parts like I have 100 times and know that it is only, ONLY HIM, who will ever, EVER fully and completely understand me. Me and all of these things. He knows, he knows. And it ends downstairs the scolding words- and it didn't get out of hand and my son comes upstairs seemingly fine. And if some harsh words pierced and cut his soul somehow then God sees it- and God will set everything right, and justice will occur in God's time and order. His order. It was what I was explaining to my son earlier in the day.
That the people in authority over us will not always get it right. In fact, they will get it dead wrong a lot of times. Our job is still to submit to those authorities and the order of things. It feels so backward in this day and in this culture. But God sees and knows.
And I will continue to pray that things will be done and seen and brought to light and changed in God's time, not mine.
But tonight, I will go on that dinner date with my husband, NOT having sucked oxygen out of my marriage. Allowing for space for my husband's mistakes, and for God to teach and lead him, not me. And he is making me more beautiful and more mature.
End note: My husband and I have talked to our son about respectfully making an appeal. If he feels something we have said or done was very wrong or unfair- he is welcome to come into our room at night and state his "appeal" kindly and respectfully. We need obedience in the moment from him, but we must leave room for an appeal as well, if something is still weighing on him late into the day. This is something I am trying to practice more of in my own marriage as well- many times it is in cooler and quieter times that my husband is more open to respectfully hear about something I strongly disagree with, rather than lashing out in the moment.
Further, when we are talking to our children about submitting to authority even when they "get it wrong", we also teach them appropriate boundaries, dangers, and when submission is not okay. I hope this goes without saying, but just in case I feel the need to add this note.